By Tyler Slater
There have been many instances of this phenomenon in the last few years but none more mystifying than that which befell (sic) Jock McLoury.
Two years ago last Lammas Jock suffered a terminal case of grounding due to an odd combination of circumstances, hopefully never to be repeated and I hope this will be a cautionary tale for the many brothers who voluntarily put themselves in the firing line of this condition.
Helped in no small part by the 14 pints of strong lager he had imbibed the previous night at the retirement party for the legendary roofer, Jimmy Strutt, and therefore feeling none too steady on the ground, Jock rode up with his faithful sidekick, Nails Gowry, to continue tiling the four storey apartment block which was their current project.
On arrival at the worksite he leant over to call down his order for breakfast to the site foreman, a customary and daily occurrence. Whilst trying desperately to remember whether he did want a side order of black pudding or not his eyes were naturally attracted to the sight of a plumber’s bum cleavage as he bent over his work in a trench. Being aware only of the cleavage situation and not to whom it actually belonged Jock was smitten by the disastrous grounding syndrome, which, aggravated by his confused state of mind over the pudding order caused him to instantly be overtaken by the strange and as yet to be explained magnetic attraction of the ground below.
While still actually airborne it was reported he managed a triple somersault with four full twists before coming up short of the cleavage target he was aiming at. Sadly, as has been proven many times before, the human neck does not win the battle with even soft mud let alone the top of a readymix truck.
Jock’s monument can be seen by anyone who cares to view it outside the finished apartment block, round the back next to the refuse bin shed which has been left unroofed as a mark of respect.